Stuck

Writer’s block has struck. I am forcing these words out as a means to try to get some flow back. To no avail it seems.

Writing is usually what guides me out of a bleak situation. Energy and empathy peeking out from behind each keystroke until bursting out with prose and flow.

I recently read this quote by Joan Didion

“I write entirely to find out what I’m thinking, what I’m looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.”

 

These words sang to me. This is so me.

So often, a situation happens and I leave with words and thoughts and ideas swirling through my brain but it is not until I get out my journal and write them down do I begin to make sense of it and my thoughts on whatever ‘it’ might be.

Which is why writer’s block really bothers me. I sometimes can’t quite figure out even what I need to be figuring out. I stay stuck.

Holy shit, and there it is. Forcing myself (seriously, I have tried starting about 5 different posts in the past two weeks, none of which have gotten past a horribly boring paragraph fit for a bureaucratic pamphlet) to sit here and get something, anything written tonight has led me to this ‘it’ of being blocked.

Fear.

In the last two weeks, two 2-year-olds have died in my network of people. Neither I knew personally, one being through following online and one in my town. One was expected, one was not, both completely tragic and horrible.

Also in town, a baby is on her sixth round of chemo. At one year old.

My heart doesn’t know whether to break, grow, shatter or expand. And my brain, well it does not even want to go there so the thoughts, the words, just loom.

I think I have been waiting for my writing to make sense of the tragedies, when the thing is, this can never make sense. What I am doing right this moment as I type this, is realize that what has got me stuck is not the sadness or helplessness, but the fear.

Fear of this unimaginable thing, the loss of a child. Fear of thinking it, tempting it, jinxing it, understanding it…

Fear.

So as I see it, there are two choices.

I can live in fear

or

I can live despite the fear.

Which just made me think of a quote. Hmmm, let me go find it…

Ah yes, Ambrose Redmoon:

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.”

Nothing more important than living our lives and appreciating every single moment.

“The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely, aware.” ~Henry Miller

And if you have made it through this whole post, welcome to a sneak-peak into the inner workings of my brain… Phew!

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2 thoughts on “Stuck

  1. I, too, am having a bit of the WB. Fortunately, not triggered by such tragic events, just pre-holiday stress I think. I found stepping out into the woods for some peace of mind, just focusing on the non-human elements of life, makes us realize a bigger world is out there and the irrelevancy of our problems. Good luck!

  2. kari, i can relate to your feeling of stuck here. wanting to write about the loss and worries, but also fearful of writing what i don’t want to linger in my mind. so much fear. rather i’ve had fleeting moments of this fear. times when i allow myself to feel a bit of the hurt. although i know that i don’t even come close to experiencing the reality of this hurt for others. nice inner workings here….

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