Thesaurus of Tears

There were a few tears on Kaya’s first day of Kindergarten.

Mostly, oh okay- only, from me.

Some of it had to do with the letting go of my first born. A lot of it had to do with my own anxieties about returning to school. No matter how long it has been since I have been there, those feelings of being left out or being picked on and teased come flooding back. The good stuff does too. The friends and laughs and oh yes, maybe even some knowledge. But now I have to send my daughter out there to feel all those feelings. And that terrifies me!

I manage not to project my fears onto her however and keep the tears in check. Her excitement has me excited. Her energy and enthusiasm, along with the busyness of the morning keep the tears away. For now.

Later, I miss her.

For the first time in my 7 years living in this house, I hear the school’s lunch bell. I wonder what she is doing. If she has friends to play with. If she will eat.

With no other prompting, tears fall.

Wipe away. Lil sister Brennyn wants my attention. She wants to read Big Sister Little Sister. Obviously missing her sister too. Damn.

Pooling of the eyes.

Brennyn heads for a nap and I finally get a moment to read the paper the teacher gave the parents this morning. It is a story about Jack in the Beanstalk’s Mamma. About her leading Jack to the Beanstalk, sending him up, trusting the giant…

The story is okay. The end leaves me reeling though.

Jack’s mother turned to leave. “Jack’s going to have lots of bigger beanstalks to climb in his life,” she told herself. “Today’s the day he starts practicing for them… And today’s the day I start practicing something too, cheering him on and waving goodbye.”

Cue blubbering tears.

Shortly after, it is time to wake Brennyn and head to the school for pick-up. Already?

Kaya is happy so I am happy.

For a time.

Bye dinner, I am anxious about the next morning now that she understands the reality of the day.  She’s cool though. Sleeps well. Wakes up well. Skips to school. About half way there a little boy and a little girl up ahead turn and see Kaya. “Kaaaayyyaaaa!” the girl calls. “Kaya Bobaya!” the boy sing-songs. Kaya giggles. Looks at me. Then runs away.

There is an instant lump in my throat. Relief mixed with sadness at this ‘letting go’. At least the quick-to-water eyes are fading. Improvement.

Or so I lead myself to believe.

Until I watch the season premiere of Parenthood (LOVE this show!) and the mom admits she’s going to miss her daughter, her college-aged daughter, and gets all weepy.

Leaving me bawling.

And making it glaringly apparent that I am going to be waving goodbye for the rest of my life.

Oh, hello ugly cry. It’s been awhile…


One thought on “Thesaurus of Tears

  1. i feel your pain. My daughter is only 11months but as school starts this year i find myself feeling apprehensive about the day she is to start school. *sigh* you’re right we will be saying good-bye to our children for the rest of our lives. cue tears

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