Open Letter to Daycare Teachers and Parents

Dear Kaya’s Daycare Teachers and Parents of Kids She Attends With,

I write to you today to apologize. To say sorry for spreading filth and crappy sentiments amongst the children.

Some of you may be shocked. You wonder what the hell I am talking about. Kaya is such a shy girl. Sweet. Quiet. Innocent.

Whereby I laugh at your naiveté.

Oh yes, sure, Kaya is all those things. But she is also 4.

And four-year-olds, ALL 4-year-olds, LOVE POO.

Kaya and I were sitting around the table singing in rhyme in which 87% of the rhymes end in ‘poo’. After a mind-numbingly long time partaking in said event, Kaya blurts “My teachers say we don’t talk about poo.”

Which leaves me scrambling for an appropriate response since our family seemingly always talk about poo.

“You better tell your Daddy they said that.” Is all I can come up with.

While Kaya goes on to drawing, snacking, and dancing (more 4-year-old favourites), my mind stays on poo. It processes all the knock-knock jokes, rhymes, and exclamations to Brennyn “Ewwww, you have a STINKY BUM. STINKY POOPY PANTSERS!!!” that occur in our house on a daily basis.

There will forever be the tale of Brennyn using Kaya’s poo for body art. Every Christmas we will tell about the time a reindeer pooped on our skylight. And what about the baby laxative known as ‘warm bath’ that always, without fail, brought on the poops.

Could it be that I am nostalgic for poo?

Shall I go on? Outhouse fascination, poo shoes and the art of the squat. Connecting the dots wherein Kaya realizes that drinking water helps her to poo and ever since, I can always find a water bottle sitting right beside the toilet. Fart bubbles, poo songs, the lightbulb moment for Kaya when she realizes everybody- boy, girl, man, woman and yes, even Mommy- poos.

But it is not even any of those things I write about today.

Oh shit, I confess it, if your child has become fascinated with Poo in Space, well, that is my fault, and mine alone.

Perhaps I can divert blame to Mary Roach, author of Packing for Mars: The Curious Science of Life in the Void. A fascinating book and one I thoroughly enjoyed. Even (or should I say, especially) the entire chapter devoted to poo entitled ‘Separation Anxiety- The Continuing Saga of Zero-Gravity Elimination’. Did that make you laugh? If so, you have to read this book. If not, I apologize again for my potty mouth that then becomes Kaya’s potty mouth. Out of the mouths of babes…

I literally laughed (LOL’d) my way through this entire book which prompted Kaya to ask me what was so funny. Sometimes I told her. I told her about the first chimp in space named Ham. That was giggle worthy- a chimp, named Ham. Hilarious! What I couldn’t tell her was the part that made Mommy really laugh. The part that talked about the second chimp in space, Enos, who quickly became known instead as Enos the Penis for his obsessive masturbation habit.

Speaking of penises, I also laughed outright at the urine collection device hose attachment for astronauts. There are 3 sizes that attach to the penis: L, XL, and XXL. Astronauts are well-known for their big heads aren’t they? Hilarious.

This wasn’t always the case. For the Apollo mission to the moon, Roach goes on to tell us that “of the 106 items left on the moon’s surface by Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin are four collection assemblies- two large and two small. Who wore which remains a matter of conjecture.”

Awesome. Oh, and I did not share this ditty with Kaya either, though I did share it with Bal who was too busy sizing up what size his would be to laugh as hard as I did.

Then comes the poo chapter. Kaya is fascinated at my fascination with this book. Again, she asks what is making me laugh. So I tell her. And for this I am sorry.

I tell her that sometimes when astronauts go poo in space, it floats away. And, well, this is pretty much the funniest, most brilliant thing I, her mother, has EVER said in her whole entire life. Caught up in this glory of me, her mother, being so damn cool, I read her an actual astronaut conversation. In space.

Young: Who did that?

Cernan: What?

Stafford: Who did it {laughter}

Cernan: Where did that come from?

Stafford: Give me a napkin quick. There’s a turd floating through the air.

Young: I didn’t do it. It ain’t one of mine.

Cernan: I don’t think it’s one of mine.

Stafford: Mine was a little more sticky than that. Throw that away.

Young: God almighty.

And it goes on. And is even funnier. But you should read the book for that.

So anyways teachers and parents, again, I apologize. I am sure you did not need your child to increase their vocabulary with the word ‘turd’. You certainly did not need kids pretending they are astronauts pooing.

I shared with Kaya because it made her giggle. A lot. And I took for granted that she is shy. And quiet. And sweet. So she would not go around imparting this wisdom I enlightened her with.

Only she confessed to me later that she told a boy at school. If he heard her, I am certain that little piece of news would have travelled like wild-fire. Or astronaut poo as the case may be…

Again, apologies. If you can’t find it in your heart to forgive me, I do not blame you. But please know, my sweet, quiet, shy girl just jumped off the bed screaming “LOOK MOM! I’M AN ASTRONAUT. CLOSE YOUR MOUTH CUZ I JUST POOPED!!!” (HEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!!)

Sincerely and with regret,

One pooped out, potty-mouthed mamma

 

 

 

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Open Letter to Daycare Teachers and Parents

  1. Ya, you just keep your filthy mouthed kids away from my Tooty Ba-Booty and Toots Ma-Goots. We want nothing to do with your poop talk!

    Hilarious Kari!

    After reading this, it sounds like Kevin might find his place in your home. He’s the major poop talker in our home. However, when I think about it…why is it that so much of our language revolves around the “cuteness” of kids poops. I am sure I could list of the countless expressions we throw around! I sound like I am celebrating a filthy diaper when I announce, “Its poop time!” at the top of my lungs! Gesh!

    I love the final Kaya quote! Sooo funny! I am dying to get a glimpse at the Kaya behind your closed doors at home! So awesome!

    You got me laughing!

  2. Ahhh poo. Evelyn is totally obsessed with poo as well. Recently, Andrew and Evelyn were enjoying a walk in the Estuary where they came upon some horses. Andrew reported that she was delighted to have the chance to pat the horse, but this was not the first thing that came to mind when telling me about her experience. No, no. It went down like this:

    Mommy: What did you see on your walk with Daddy? Did you see a horsey?

    Evelyn: Horsey – Poo Poo!!! (big eyes)

    Then, for 4 consecutive days, at every opportunity, “Horsey poopoo…. BIG!”

    Talk about it. Laugh about it. It’s funny as $hi!

    k

  3. Oh Kari, so nice to know it is not only little boys that constantly talk about poop, poopy pants or pooping on your head and then he rolls around laughing his head off as its the greatest thing around!

    I guess it goes with the territory when you have two boys in the house, poops and farts!!!!!!

    I was right there laughing with you and trying not to let Ethan see me laughing at poopy talk 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s