Some days I am SuperMom!
Some days I am not.
Yesterday, I was most certainly not. All because I was reading a book. A good one if that makes it any better. I am sort of an obsessive reader. By that, I mean that once I start a book, I read, read, read until I am done. This usually means I finish a book in a day or two. Three, tops. I read the later, ginormous, Harry Potter books in two days and remember being flabbergasted that my sister would pace herself, on purpose, so that she had the whole summer to read the book. She savours it. I consume it. We are very different people.
So yesterday I was reading The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. I have tried several times to read this book since people have raved about it. I could not get into this book. But people kept talking about it. And now the movie is out on DVD. So for a week, I have plowed through what I could and then finally, BAM, I was curious about what was ahead. I actually wanted to keep reading. This thought came to me on exactly page 100. 100 pages to get into a book is far too many pages people. Especially when you have young kids. But I did it. And the next 550 pages kicked ass. Which, though a good thing, led to some awful parenting:
Top 5 Ways to Ignore Your Children While You Immerse Yourself in a Fantasy World
1. Immerse your children in their own fantasy world. By this I mean TV, not books. Because you’ll have to read them books. Cartoon channels play a lot of cartoons. Which means you can read a lot of chapters!
2. Start them on a novelty craft that will keep them entertained for hours. Okay, like 20 minutes. Tops. Fifteen of which involves you helping them. Damn this tip sucks.
In my case, I grabbed the huge cardboard box from the new dresser we bought, cut a hole in the top and encouraged Kaya to make a boat. She was all excited until she realized she would be undertaking this task alone which meant some pouting. Then protesting. Then sitting on my lap (and book) demanding we do something fun.
Together we make a boat. And to tell you the truth, it was more fun then my book. Smartie-pants kids…
3. Make an extra special and here’s the secret, abnormally large, lunch with a treat. This should keep them at the table for a good 30 minutes. Think pancakes, strawberries (and/or apples- they take longer to eat), fruit snacks, lollipops and juice box. Three of which Kaya has never been allowed to have on just an average day.
4. Put them around a water/sand table outside. This is actually quite effective. As long as you ignore your baby ingesting copious amounts of sand, the possibility of sunstroke and soaked clothing.
5. Ask (or beg- potato/potahto) whatever God-like entity you believe in for a Miracle. Something along the lines of “Please oh please Buddha Belly Bank,” (What? It’s the closest thing to a God-like entity in this household) “let there be naps today!” If you have more than one child, tap your head, rub your belly, hop on one foot and ask for an extra special Miracle- “Please oh please let them both nap today, at the same time!” I know, I know, this may seem a greedy wish. Selfish. Preposterous even. But miracles do happen. I saw it happen once. So what if baby Tylenol was involved?
It is ever so helpful if your husband is off at 4pm, whereby you pass off the drooling-bored children and make an ever so innocent suggestion that the pool would be fun. Bonus if it’s a gorgeous sunny day, there’s cold beer in the fridge and a loungy outdoor chair screaming for a book reading.
Un-bonus if you’re child kisses you good night and says “You really love reading Mommy. I don’t want to read tomorrow. I want to go to the park.”