Awkward

The spelling of awkward is awkward don’t ya think?

***

Possibly there is nothing more awkward than that of a toddler pulling up their undies and pants after going pee. Twisted, wedgied, folded over, clumsiness!

***

I was at the pool the other day. After using the family change rooms, I head next door to the handicap-accessible toilet/shower room to go pee. It is empty so I go in and am about to close the door behind me when I jump back with a start.

Legs!

My eyes involuntarily follow the legs, not wanting to see anything naked but curious too how a person hid in that tiny space behind the door. Only there wasn’t a someone in there. Just legs. Prosthetic legs. It takes my mind a while to catch up to what I am seeing and when it finally does, I try to act all cool. Like I run into a pair of legs going solo every day. Almost as shocking as Kaya encountering Giant Torso-Less Legs a few months back.

I look around guiltily. Nobody (or no body) around. The legs are being stored here. I guess the lockers are too small to hold legs? You’d think locker builders would have taken that into consideration. Jeesh. Still, I can’t pee with somebody’s legs watching. Or hangin or whatever. So I head to the stalls and make a point of checking under the doors before barging in.

***

This morning I was leaving Kaya’s preschool with Brennyn. A dad coming in went out of his way to hold the door for me. He was positioned awkwardly while I slid out thanking him. Which is when his hand grazed my ass. Shit. Brennyn recovers the situation by farting so I dramatically blurt “Excuse You!” Only once I am in the car does it occur to me that the dad maybe wouldn’t have heard her fart and thought I was excusing him. Ah Shit.

***

I am running in the trails with Riley (our dog) when she runs up ahead to an older couple strolling and sticks her nose right up the mans butt. “RILEY, COME HERE!” I yell which is usually enough to get her sauntering back to me. But today she ignores me and sticks her head up the guys bum again. “RILEY! NO! COME HERE NOW!” She looks at me like she’ll consider it AFTER SHE GETS THAT TREAT IN THE BUM. And in her nose goes again. Desperate, I turn back from where I came and haul ass because nothing irritates Riley more than me running away from her. Fortunately, the tactic works and Riley races towards me. I keep going, not wanting to face the man. Too awkward for me to apologize sure. But awkward too for him and his dirty bum…

***

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