Guest Blogger Bibby

Well, a guest blogger in the form of 10-12 year-old letters written by my Gramma who is now passed on. I just find her funny. Probably nobody else will but I wanted to record the funny parts in case I ever lost the letters. I typed everything just as she wrote it, spelling errors included. Most were hand-written but she did delve into the computer at some point. Yikes. Anyways, my little inserts are all in red. The rest is her. She would kill me for this…

Oh yah, and these were all written while I was living and teaching English in Korea.

You are going to be lonesome after Vicky leaves. Maybe you will meet someone else- OR- maybe save some money. Recurring theme in all her emails. Always a side note, starred note, bold note- save some money!

***

I joined a fat ladies club. Joined 3 weeks ago and have lost 3pds in 3 weeks. Big Deal! But I am hungry all the time, probably a lot is in my head. But at any given time I could easily eat 1/2 a horse– fried.  I just crave something fried. (LOL- fried horse. Yup, real appetizing Gram!)

And at the end of the letter she again talks weight:

I have been so good this week, with my eating, as I said before I am always hungry. Sylvia says it’s all in my head————-little does she know, it’s what’s not in my stomach!!!!!!!!!!!

***

Christmas is in 2 days. You know me- PANICSVILLE! Panic then crash at about 2pm Xmas day- that was my Gramma!

***

It is sooooo HOT. I am even wearing shorts! Not in public of course… Of course 🙂

***

Here my Gramma begins the computer obsession stage of her life! First computer and first attempts at writing a letter. She does not even have internet yet at this point. Oh lord, if only I could save the first emails she sent and don’t even get me started on the chats and delving into the land of smiley faces…

Hi! here I am again, great hearing your voice last night, and for once you were not bitchy at me. Probably because you found it quite humourous how stupid I am with the computer. Even went to the liabrary today and got YOUR TEXT HERE the COMPLETE IDIOT’S GUIDE TO  Windows 3.1 but it looks harder than the for Dummies Book. (!)

Every Wed. it is the big deceioson (spelling) of whwere to go??? Oh! Just remember I have spell check on this thing. That’s pretty neat too, isn’t it?

There was 1 squirrel around and getting into the bird feeders and eating everything in sight and scaing the little birdies away. I was so mad at him. Grampa made a sling shot to try to get him that way, but as soon as he had it made, haven’t seen the squirrel and I hope he stays away.

What havae you been doing there? Anything different?? Are you still ‘walking the streets’??????? (This must have been some joke we had? I don’t remember but got a snort laugh out of me!) On the serious side, have you found any privates and are you making any money and not going in the hole? (First read as ‘and not becoming a Ho?’)

What in @#$%^&*&^% AM i DOING WONG? (After numerous random spaces and cut off lines)

(In writing- not typing at end of letter) Dammit, I forgot to use the spell check thing. stupid.

(Hilarious.)

***

Went and watched Titanic with Sylvia. It was a great show- but- I couldn’t sleep that nite- & when I did- kinda had nightmares. It was so real! I don’t go to theatres very often- maybe once in 7 years- & the screen looked so BIG. Country chick huh? Redneck much?

***

PPS. Grampa & I have married 40 years today! Are going to the Hotel for supper. I am having steak with all the trimmings. Funny only because this is HUGE for her. Dinner out. With Grampa. Eating steak. All of it, SHOCKING!

***

Sylvia and I went to another play. It was called “SYLVIA” and Sylvia in the play was a dog. It was really good. Before we went I couldn’t imagine a lady playing the part of a dog, but she was good. Did all the things dogs do, she even went into heat.

***

Letter from Mom

PS. Gramma just got her phone bill. She’s talking to you for 1/2 hour at a time?!? One call $60. Well at least I know mine won’t be that bad as we only talk a little while. (‘Bitch, why don’t you talk to me that long?!’ is her hint.) Try not to let her talk so long. She’s always complaining about their ‘seniors fixed income’ but she spends lavishly on booze, cigarettes and phone calls!! Shit mom, she’s Gramma, not Marilyn Monroe… Drives me crazy!! -Love Mom

Letter from Gramma:

Got my phone bill the other day. 3 calls to Korea. One was 29 minutes at $52.57. Total $104.13 but with my discount $62.48. Actually I thought it would cost more!- So was pleasantly surprised! I’m worth it anyways you wild and crazy woman talking for 29 minutes about your garden and the roast you had in the oven and birds… Important, intellectual stuff totally worth $60!

***

Top of every page she adds a little note:

  1. Write Soon Please!!!!!
  2. I am anxiously awaiting your next letter
  3. Miss you!
  4. Love Yaw! Couldn’t quite spit out You yet at this point. Love it!
  5. Keep on writing such interesting letters
  6. Have fun! But save SOME money. See…

***

Thought you would get a kick out of this. Bob Smith* started college in Sept and comes home EVERY weekend. Whatta suck!-huh- He will be 22 in Jan. Get a life huh?!

*Name changed to protect the loser huh.

***

I gained 3pds! Frustrating you better believe it! I’m hungry all the time. Drinking LOTS of water and eating right. But gained??? Must be the water. I will give it 2 weeks and then I give up. Not worth all this if I can’t lose an ounce (and gain, yes,- must be the water) Gotta go and make supper (& not eat much) Hope to hear from you soon!

***

Letter from my brother:

Have I mentioned that I hate you for getting Gramma into writing letters. She expects, no, DEMANDS letters from me now. She doesn’t care that I have no life.

Letter from Gramma:

I had a letter from Craig today and if I didn’t know better I would think he was a retard.

(LOVE IT!!!!)

***

Another typed letter. She’s practicing. Sigh…

A leter to my granddaughter with some charactternnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnxxxxxxxxxxxxxxnnnnnnnnnnnnn

I’m having fun fooling around. Hope you can understand this. The heck with it—— I will rty and get back to normal now. This computer does all kinds of things and I will probably never know ALL of what is is capable of. %$^*%^&(^&^*&%^$)(***+_(( clipart inserts and pictographs galore…

(All this typed with about 5 different fonts, 3 sizes, random pictures…)

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3 thoughts on “Guest Blogger Bibby

  1. To freaking hilarious! I don’t even remember sending you anything to not let Gramma talk so long…as if you could.
    I was quietly howling with laughter (I’m at work.) It certainly brought Gramma back and oh do I remember her frustrations when she first got the computer and her “graphics” LOL

  2. MWAHHHHHH! I had to contain myself at work when I read “..I would think he was a retard.” OMG grandma’s say the funniest things. Glad you have so many great memories of yours.

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