My Family Farts

This post started out being about my sister who came for a visit this past weekend. She’s gorgeous and smart and she loves being an Auntie. She’s also 20 years old and hates bodily functions. So somehow this post about my sister turned into a post on how my family is disgusting.

When I was 20, I too hated bodily functions. Thinking back, it’s miraculous that I could eat and drink the crap that I did, and not be one GIANT FART. Somehow I contained it. And perhaps more miraculously, 20 year old boys contained in too. If only to get laid. Oh yes, the good ol’ days.

14 years later, looking at my sister, I totally see myself back then. Grossed out by every fart, burp, puke and spittle. Poor girl, entering our house of horrors inundated with farts, burps, pukes and spittles. And please don’t forget doggy slobbers, pee accidents and diaper explosions. And to think, this was her birthday present. Coming to see us. Poor girl.

Her future boyfriend will also pretend he does not fart. But things will devolve quickly.

Our Devolution:

  • First comes pretending you don’t fart or burp.
  • Then comes doing so but only while horribly intoxicated so at least you have an excuse
  • Or you hope the other blacks out and does not remember
  • Montezuma’s Revenge hits on your travels and you discuss but stay behind closed, locked doors
  • You move in together and suddenly the bathroom door stays open
  • Children arrive and is kind of like a volcanic eruption.
  • Now the bathroom door never closes, kids fart so why not everyone fart, poop is everywhere, pukes are the everyday…

And now, well now we celebrate a well placed burp. We appreciate a good fart. We are elated when constipation turns into poops. We do not even notice bubbles and spitties. We casually wipe puke off our clothes. Our devolution is almost complete.

But things will turn around again. That might not be so if I had two boys but with two girls, it seems natural to learn the art of the inside fart.

We’ll see. All I know is that I am so looking forward to 10 years or so in the future when my sister is a new mamma and my girls are her babysitters. “Ewwwwww, GROSS Auntie!!! Baby just pooped! And burped! And oh my goodness, that’s spit on me. Akkkkk, get it off!!!!” and Auntie just calmly gets up, wipes the puke and carries on with her conversation with me as I slurp back my glass of wine. Oh hell, maybe I’ll even help her out a bit and change that poopy diaper. Then I’ll come back hand over her congested baby and laugh as she nurses while baby boogies end up all over her boobs. “Ewwwww, Auntie that is so DISGUSTING!” and she’ll just look at my girls, smile knowingly, baby will fart and we’ll carry on gabbing about the good ol’ days.


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