The H Word

“Jesus Crazy!” Kaya squeals. Oh-oh.

I’m usually pretty good at covering my spontaneous swears. Shit becomes Shnikies. Fuck becomes Farfegnugen (ironic since the only time I use this word is while road rageing and the word actually means ‘driving enjoyment’) Asshole becomes Arse but that sounds too close so ends up being Arsenine. Though these other, longer, words still have the tone of profanity, at least they are disguised enough so that if she happens to blurt one at preschool, the teachers may think they are just misunderstanding her rather than hearing an echo of her naughty mommy.

But apparently I have not disguised “Jesus Christ” well enough. That changes right now. Jesus Crazy is just too obvious. But now, as long as Dora and Diego don’t teach my girl too much Spanish, I have got a cover:

“Hey Zeuss (Jesus en espanol) Loco!”

Perfect. It even rolls off the tongue like a well place profanity. Hey Zeuss Loco you shnikies arsenine mother-Farfegnugen…


Speaking of profanities, have you found that talking H1N1 is as taboo as swearing like a trucker in front of your toddler?

Well, Kaya and I got our vaccination yesterday. It is the first week it has been available and is open to those in the high risk category. Why then, I wonder, did the 67-year-old cancer patient in line ahead of us get denied going in? Because, the nurse explains, she is over 64. I says what? Wouldn’t that make her higher than high risk? Or are they (the government) writing her off because she’s old and could keel over any moment anyways so best save the vaccine for those less risky but risky? Huh?

At any rate, Kaya and I got in. Kaya because she’s 3, in daycare and thus plays in a breeding ground of snot, germs and cooties all day. Me because I have a baby under 6 months who is not eligible for the vaccine but is vulnerable to the flu. I went first. The nurse gives me the shot and then swears (if you count ‘Oh Shoot!’ as a swear.) She had been doing mostly kids all day and ended up giving me the kids dose. So I got two needles. By the second needle, Kaya had buggered off to the kitchen play area (vaccination central is in a preschool). I chase her down whereby she throws a temper tantrum, not because there is a needle looming but because I won’t let her play. Jeez.

So I drag her to the table which is no small feat seeing as Brennyn is strapped in the Baby Buddha and my arm feels like it’s been playing full contact punch buggy in Mexico for the last month. But I get her there, then lift her onto the front quarter of my lap (the back three-quarters is occupied by 95th percentile child), hold down her arms, needle goes in (right dose), a few tears come out, a spider sticker is presented, tears stop, giggles ensue and all is well in the universe.

Until I get home and see several people on facebook being critical of us ‘sheep’ getting the vaccine because it’s the thing to do. Farfegnugen You, Arsenines! So I just want to make it clear here, I did my research. I weighed out the pros and cons. And I decided that for me and my family, getting the vaccine was the best choice for us. Don’t judge me because your choice is different. We all have to do our homework and each make an educated decision for our own families. An educated decision does not mean one is right and one is wrong but what is best for each of us.

Too bad there’s not a vaccine to protect against mean people. For as a wise bumper sticker once said, ‘Mean people suck.’


2 thoughts on “The H Word

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