Sorry Environment But I Need an SUV

Phew, we’re home. 2500+ km roadtrip with a toddler and a newborn. Pardon the language but yes, we’re fucking crazy.

Our trip starts with an epic 6 hour-turned 8+ hour- drive in our Hyundai Elantra that includes our dog. With 2 carseats in the back, Riley can barely squeeze her bum in. So she stands, head in between me and Bal, panting. Which means along with the puke and poop that normally accompanies me, I now wear a doggy slobber layer. If only the smell emanating from our car had the power to clear the traffic out of our way. We crawl a pathetic 40km on the freeway for the first 3 hours of our journey. “Are we there yet?” I pout. Bal laughs. Then gags as the doggy tongue sideswipes his face, ear to teeth.

Slobber Dog

Slobber Dog

Have I mentioned that it is hot? Really hot and we have no A/C (stupid, stupid, stupid!) This sun shade is designed solely to make you feel like the shittiest parent in the history of the planet by the way. We remedy the guilt by going fast, really, really fast.

HOT

HOT

With our car ready to burst, I check to make sure 30lbs of wily toddler has remained in the car.

ViewI manage to see toes, assume the rest of her is contained also, and on we go.

To bad the dog is not similarly contained for upon seeing big truck after big truck passing by, she can not resist the temptation of the red semi. She lunges, as she has since a puppy in her spot in the seat behind the driver. Only now Kaya has taken her spot, Brennyn having taken over Kaya’s spot. The dog is left spotless. She lunges anyways. Right on top of Kaya. Screams, cries, yells and whines by various participants revertabate¬† throughout the car.

We stop for dinner. We stop for a pee break. We stop for a toddler pee break.

We stop for a fake poo break as the toddler has realized potty breaks mean getting out of the bloody hot car and oh isn’t it funny to say you have to poo and make your parents panic and madly pull over and run you to the potty only to smile and say “No poo!” while sitting on the potty and oh, maybe you can convince a daddy to buy you a slushee while stomping back through the glorious air conditioned gas station…

We stop for a real poo break.

We ban potty breaks. So Kaya, in her infinite toddler wisdom, plots her way out of the car. In her cutest sing-songy voice, “I need cuddles please mommy!”

“I can’t sweetie. We have to be safe and keep our seat belts on while driving.” Which, of course, she knows full well.

Silence.

Then softly, imploringly “I love you mommy.”

Which so totally does not work but damned if she isn’t the cutest child I ever did see! Well, hear because I so totally can not see her.

It’s a wonder I can hear her either, what with the windows rolled down, wind blowing in and the tunes cranked.

Thank you to my brother for the tunes! No Kaya, ‘tunes’ not ‘toons’…

The day before our departure an express post arrives. I am expecting 3 cds. Instead, it is my brother’s ipod jammed with 5000+ songs. Sweet money action! I do not even know where to begin so I start with some new albums I have been wanting to hear. Green Day and the Killers followed by the more mellow City and Colour in my attempts to calm my increasingly pissy husband who does not do well in stop and go traffic. It does not work. So he gets some Michael Jackson and some old school songs from the Rolling Stone Pop 100 playlist. He sings and is happy.

But soon I am not. One can only handle so much 80’s at any given time, especially when ones husband sings along with all the wrong words.

So I switch to ‘shuffle’ hoping for a happy compromise. We get it. Here, a sample playlist while on the road:

  • What You Waiting For- Franz Ferdinand- Radio 1’s Live Lounge
  • Billie Jean- Cover by Chris Cornell- Unplugged in Sweden
  • What Would Jay-Z Do?- Ben Lee- Ripe
  • Black Sunday- Coffinshakers- Dark Wings over Finland
  • Our Life is not a Movie or Maybe- Okkervil River- The Stage Names
  • Sweet Cloud- The Kills- No Wow
  • People Got a Lotta Nerve- Neko Case- Middle Cyclone
  • House of Bamboo- Southern Culture on the Skids- Plastic Sweat Seat (WTF???)
  • Slow Hands- Interpol- Antics
  • Long Road to Ruin- Foo Fighters (I am left to wonder, is this foreshadowing the impending road trip?)

And far too many Tragically Hip and Oasis songs if you ask me brother.

All this and we’re only on day one of the journey. Fucking crazy indeed.

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3 thoughts on “Sorry Environment But I Need an SUV

  1. Yes, I have listened to it and indeed it is more WTF! Where did you find those guys?

    12% of your music is Hip or Oasis. But I’ll take them over the Best of Poison, Steel Panthers or New Kids on the Block. Speaking of WTF…

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