Bare Necessities

It is hot. Really damn hot. Which is all fine and dandy if you are a bikini model or an agoraphobe with air conditioning. I am neither of these things. But I am considering nudism as a viable solution to my heat stroke woes. And I am dragging my family right along with me.

ME

Besides forest fires, an unfortunate consequence of this west coast heat wave is the unsightly view of this newly not-pregnant mamma. Listen, I’m too cheap poor to go buy a new swimsuit for this in between weight limbo time period. So I don my bikini top and skort style swim bottoms without shame. Well, maybe a slight bit of shame as I walk up and down the beach pretend-talking to Brennyn much, much louder than necessary, insisting, “I KNOW LITTLE ONE, YES, HARD TO BELIEVE I PUSHED YOU OUT OF MY VAGINA 3 SHORT WEEKS AGO…” then nonchalantly scan the vicinity making sure people take note so I will be given a ‘pass’ in the critiquing and judgement far too prevalent in the beach scene. But then I realize not one person is paying attention to me. They are too busy watching the hot twenty-something couple make out in the lake. Nobody cares about my cellulite, muffin top, linea negra or even possible nipple exposure. Nobody takes note of the farmer tan and couch-potato thighs. Nobody cares except me. Which is why I sprawl out on my beach blanket half naked, whip out my right boob, attach my naked starving baby, and sit back to enjoy the make-out show as well.

BAL

We had a smaller heat wave in June when I was 9 months pregnant carrying 40 extra pounds. Bal took off his shirt one day and I laughed at him and told him to stop sucking in his gut. “I’m not sucking in.” he scoffed. I do not believe him. Not until I make him laugh and I realize no love-handles burst forth. “Since when did you lose your ponch?” I question. “Since I started mountain biking.” Which, I would like to emphasis, is only mere weeks earlier. “I’ve lost 15 pounds!” he says with obvious pride. “That’s just mean.” I pout. Which leaves him flustered. I suppose he thinks I would enjoy him getting all healthy and trim and hot. But unless your popping out a 10 lbs child with some extra poundage for placenta, blood and water, nobody, not man or woman or Jenny Craig, should lose weight that fast with so little effort! Especially not when you should be doing what any sane man would do; Gain sympathy weight along with your wife then take your sweet ass time in losing it too. Both your lives will be so much happier.

KAYA

Kaya, like many toddlers her age, loves to be naked. Which is so entirely natural, or au naturel if you will. It is sad that society pressures her/me/humans to leave this state so early. Or at all. She is not even 3. Isn’t it too early to teach shame? Shouldn’t she be able to live in such innocence and purity for awhile longer. Should I also be telling her to stop waving at all the cars going by because some people get annoyed at silly smiley wavy toddlers? Should I tell her that her yells of “Mom! I have to POOP!” from the top of the playground should perhaps be done more discreetly? Should I scold her for excitedly remarking “Mommy, look at dat!!!” while pointing at the obese man walking by at the pool? (In her mind he’s just a really, really cool and alive giant from her fairytales!) Shouldn’t all three year olds be so candid and wide-eyed, not because of ignorance but because of innocence? I think so. Which is why I will just keep smiling. Even when she tells me I “make the car go bouncy” and that I have “polkadots on face!”

Well on her way to au naturel

Well on her way to au naturel

BRENNYN

Come on, do I need to write anything about babies and nakedness? All those cankle rolls, elbow dimples, double chins, chipmunk cheeks and foldover chubby baby goodness!

10lbs 2oz

10lbs 2oz

Let the rolly-polly begin!

Let the rolly-polly begin!

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