I finally opened a pregnancy book. I thought it was time to re-familiarize myself with just how, exactly, it was that a 14 inch head circumference came out of my vagina the first time. Apparently I have blocked it all out. There are vague recollections of mucous plugs and rupturing membranes and performing absurd Cirque du Soleil style labour positions (that I am fairly certain somebody, somewhere recorded for some foreign blooper show because why the hell else would the nurse suggest hanging over a pole while falling through the bed, forced to master chin-ups as a productive means in which to birth a human being?)
At any rate, having forgotten everything I ever learned in pre-natal class and a multitude of books I read 3 years ago, I crack open what was my favourite last time. I look up three things this inquiring mind wants to know, and I can not find the answer anywhere. I suppose I could go ‘google it’. But googling it always has a way of leading to ‘death’. Like, always. Death.
Instead I present to you:
If I were a pregnancy book, this would be my index…
Alien Possession. No really. That’s no flutter doc, that is a full on alien takeover.
Banana Bread with Chocolate Chips Overdose
Calf Cramps- What the hell is up with that? If an index could scream, it would here.
Dry Heaving- Bonus abs workout or hell on earth?
Fragile Cervix- or how to stop sex for remainder of pregnancy for fear of more blood
Gassy farty floofer pants
Horny as Hell (but don’t even think about touching me)
Impatience- or a case for NOT potty training your toddler a mere 4 weeks before due date.
Jabbing, jiggling, jolting jamboree
Knocked Up- How? When? WTF?
Lethargy (or Lazy Ass)
Man-Handling Belly Touchers
Nausea- 12 weeks? pushaw… Try 17-20 people
Obsessive- don’t question about what, just go with it. Go with whatever the hell I want…
Pelvic Pressure = PAIN
Quarrelsome- with entire human (and dog) race
Ringworm under bazoombas
Taboo topics- think mucous plugs, bloody boogers and pubic-area general maintenance
Ultrasound Preparation- worse than Chinese Water Torture
Virgin- HAHAHA- No going back now knocked-up one!- HAHAHAHA
Wrestling (Sumo-wrestling)-contortionist-pretzel-baby tortures bladder
XX or XY- Old Wives tales, online gender predictors and other ways to completely waste an entire work day
Yeast, bladder and bacterial infections Oh My!