If I Were a Pregnancy Book

I finally opened a pregnancy book. I thought it was time to re-familiarize myself with just how, exactly, it was that a 14 inch head circumference came out of my vagina the first time. Apparently I have blocked it all out. There are vague recollections of mucous plugs and rupturing membranes and performing absurd Cirque du Soleil style labour positions (that I am fairly certain somebody, somewhere recorded for some foreign blooper show because why the hell else would the nurse suggest hanging over a pole while falling through the bed, forced to master chin-ups as a productive means in which to birth a human being?)

At any rate, having forgotten everything I ever learned in pre-natal class and a multitude of books I read 3 years ago, I crack open what was my favourite last time. I look up three things this inquiring mind wants to know, and I can not find the answer anywhere. I suppose I could go ‘google it’. But googling it always has a way of leading to ‘death’. Like, always. Death.

Instead I present to you:

If I were a pregnancy book, this would be my index…

Alien Possession. No really. That’s no flutter doc, that is a full on alien takeover.

Banana Bread with Chocolate Chips Overdose

Calf Cramps- What the hell is up with that? If an index could scream, it would here.

Dry Heaving- Bonus abs workout or hell on earth?


Fragile Cervix- or how to stop sex for remainder of pregnancy for fear of more blood

Gassy farty floofer pants

Horny as Hell (but don’t even think about touching me)

Impatience- or a case for NOT potty training your toddler a mere 4 weeks before due date.

Jabbing, jiggling, jolting jamboree

Knocked Up- How? When? WTF?

Lethargy (or Lazy Ass)

Man-Handling Belly Touchers

Nausea- 12 weeks? pushaw… Try 17-20 people

Obsessive- don’t question about what, just go with it. Go with whatever the hell I want…

Pelvic Pressure = PAIN

Quarrelsome- with entire human (and dog) race

Ringworm under bazoombas

Sci-Fi addiction

Taboo topics- think mucous plugs, bloody boogers and pubic-area general maintenance

Ultrasound Preparation- worse than Chinese Water Torture

Virgin- HAHAHA- No going back now knocked-up one!- HAHAHAHA

Wrestling (Sumo-wrestling)-contortionist-pretzel-baby tortures bladder

XX or XY- Old Wives tales, online gender predictors and other ways to completely waste an entire work day

Yeast, bladder and bacterial infections Oh My!



2 thoughts on “If I Were a Pregnancy Book

  1. Ahhh… I’ve been waiting for your next blog post. This is the month isn’t it?
    To cheer you up, here’s a list of some of the great things about pregnancy:
    1) men may be jealous of your biological capability
    2) You can park in the handicapped area (at least here in Japan)
    3) you can cancel out of things with a good excuse
    4) it’s fun to have something to look forward to
    5) it’s fun to see/feel baby wiggling around
    6) you can nap lots and eat lots with a good excuse
    7) good chance to re-arrange things in your house
    8) you can soak in a hotspring anytime without worrying about your time of month (sorry, in Japan)
    9) good excuse to work less
    10) good excuse to go see a movie, treat yourself, take a trip etc (last chance before baby comes!)

  2. Pingback: Estrogen-ville « The Moody Chick

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