“Should You Be Here?”

People have no tact. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve been asked if I’m having twins. Yesterday a woman walked into my cafe and screeched “Wooaaa, you’re BIG!” And then the other day I was paying for some groceries when an older fellow behind me questions “Should you be here?” I am confused at first so he repeats himself. I catch on and quip “Well it would be a loooong wait staying home FOR THE NEXT 6 WEEKS.” Him and the cashier are both gobsmacked.

I gather my groceries, stuff them in the stroller basket, pick my daughter off the floor (who is licking herself in one of those large blind spot mirrors that the store has mysteriously placed at the end of the checkout counter) and head outside where I untangle my dog from the bike rack only to get tangled in my feet and the stroller and try to pull my daughter away from licking the pay phone. The same foot-in-your-mouth gentleman comes out. I can see he wants to help. He looks helplessly from my snot-faced daughter to my drool-ridden dog to my grocery filled stroller and finally to my big mound of a belly. His eyes rest here. For one moment I am certain he’s going to come over and hold my belly for me (which would actually relieve some great stress off the bladder. Why oh why do they not have washrooms in grocery stores?) Then he laughs, wishes me good luck and gets the hell out of dodge!

Curiously, this pregnancy has resulted in much less man-handling of the belly than last time. People are more than happy to talk belly but not touch belly. Perhaps because it is blindingly obvious that baby is sitting veeerrry low and feeling baby would also require you touching my pubic area. Which would just be uncomfortable for us all really.

Speaking of low laying baby…

oh sorry folks, I had to have a pee break. Have I mentioned how low baby is sitting and HOW MANY TIMES THAT MAKES A WOMAN HAVE TO PEE IN A 24 HOUR PERIOD?!

So yah, this baby is low. Which Doc informs me does not mean that there is more chance at all of baby coming early but does mean that I have a really lovely pelvis.

A lovely pelvis?

God it’s been a long time since anybody has tried to pick up on me so at this point I’ll take the compliment. Skin is shit, hair stringy, cellulite galore, but damn girl, you have one fine pelvis. I bet Oprah has never put ‘Lovely Pelvis’ in her gratitude journal…

Needless to say, after this doc appointment, I am overly curious about all things pelvis. So I Google it. Stupid, stupid, stupid girl.

Googling it leads me to You Tube. I watch a video about the female anatomy, the pelvis, reproductive organs, etc. Enlightening actually. But then there is the side bar of Additional Videos You May be Interested In (Even if they May Scar you FOR LIFE) And I am. Scarred for life. I watch internal cameras, both for educational purposes and of drunk college girls putting cameras inside (??!!) I watch corpse anatomy and animal autopsies. I watch ‘How to Catch a Frog With Your Vagina.’  There is no mention if this is easier done with a nice pelvis or not so I am done. No, kindly older gentleman with no tact, I should not be here. Not at all.

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4 thoughts on ““Should You Be Here?”

  1. Oh my god, Kari, that was laugh-out-loud hilarious. I couldn’t resist: I even you-tubed (when did “to you-tube” begin a verb in my vocabulary?) “How to Catch a Frog with Your Vagina”, but gave up on the clip when I couldn’t determine whether they were speaking English or some other very loud language. Taking head of your blog entry, I only clicked on a TV interview involving Kermit the Frog & Miss Piggy on the sidebar.

    At any rate, wishing you and your bladder the best over the next six weeks …!

  2. Well thanks Sheena. Now I had to go you-tube catching the frog with your vagina so I could link to it but could only find some insane metal band screeching. Which brought up a whole new side bar of videos to peruse whereby I find the ‘Inside the Mind of a Vagina’ in which there is a lone man pictured so naturally I am curious what a sole man knows about the inside of a vagina and I really can’t stop myself and click play and now I am going to have nightmares about pirate pussies (“Oy, who are you callin’ a pussy?” repeated over and over and over again. The end.) It was disturbing and yet oddly hilarious at the same time which made me laugh which made me have to pee… We live in an odd, odd time.

  3. I think I have a great pelvis too though nobody has told me so. My babe probably isn’t “showing” much ’cause my “natural cradle” (pelvis) is deep.
    You’ve got 6 more weeks? I’ve got 10. Still riding my bike.
    There are a lot of feelers in Japan. My classmate and teacher asked me yesterday in class if they could feel my stomach (we were studying the verb to “touch”).
    I replied “later.” Today when babe was kicking around I couldn’t concentrate so I invited my teacher to feel (she’s never had a kid). I think it was fun for her. I had never felt a pregnant ladies stomach before I felt mine. My sister is a “no touch” kind of gal – I was with her in her last 2 weeks.
    My classmate in a different class doesn’t even ask whether she can touch or not, and I wouldn’t consider her a close friend. She’s Chilean. I can expect that everytime I see her she will pull up my shirt and feel. I’ve got used to it; last time she put her hand on bare skin and I too worried the hand was going too low.
    On the other hand, I encourage hubby to feel. I snuggle next to him and see if he can make a remark every time there’s a kick. I get offended if he doesn’ t want to share. I asked him the other day if he ever feels envy being a man and not being able to experience the miracle of incubating a baby in his body. He admitted he is curious and yeah, a bit jealous. ha. I loved your story!
    Doing your kegels? massaging your perinium? Drinking raspberry leaf tea? hmmm fun in the sun.

  4. No to kegels.

    Definitely no to massaging my perinium.

    And no, I only like raspberries, not raspberry flavoured teas or juices or anything. Not sure why. Just like loving tomatoes but hating Ketchup I suppose.

    I also drink coffee, eat smokies and peanut butter too much (not together), and have not read one baby book this time around. I am a bad influence. Do not follow any of my ‘advice’ 😉

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