Big Boobs Suck

All you ladies out there with big boobs (real big boobs as opposed to fake big boobs in which nobody, not even Gillian from the Biggest Loser could get those babies to move) would laugh outright at me calling my breasts big. Because pregnancy has only grown them to a small C cup. Maybe. But for me, that is big. Huge. Gargantuan.

To me, big is having to wear a bra even when I don’t feel like it. Big is experiencing honest-to-goodness  torture while embarking in jumping jacks (Kaya’s idea, not mine!) Big is your 2 year old daughter giggling uncontrollably at the most recent glance of your boobies.

Big is your 34 husband giggling uncontrollably at the most recent glance of your boobies…

Big is getting ringworm.

You say what?

Yes, on top of fragile cervix’s, yeast infections, pollups, bladder infections and the nausea, this pregnancy has now resulted in ringworm.

Ringworm is a fungal infection that thrive best on skin that is moist, hot, and hidden from the light. This describes my boobs. You see, my breasts have never hung down before. They’ve never had contact with the skin below them. I have never been able to hold a pencil under my breast for example (didn’t they teach that as the true sign of womanhood in sex ed class?)

Now there is skin to skin contact. Boob meet Belly. Belly, Boob. But they don’t shake on it. They shimmy and slowdance. There is definite friction. This could be my first few ‘bar dates’ with Bal come to think of it. But I digress. All that closeness results in fungi which results in ringworm on that fine line between boob and belly.

I suppose I could go out and by some decent quality bras. Or even wear the ones I have instead of ripping it off the moment I walk in the door (seriously, my family keeps finding stray bras left abandoned in the hallway, under the couch, on the stairway). But I think I’ll just long for the day my small boobs return (oh please return) and bitch for the next year about why big boobs suck.

*NB sorry to any male reader who googled ‘suck boobs’ or ‘suck me’ or simply ‘BOOBS!’ and ended up at my blog. Just be thankful that I did NOT provide pictures to further traumatize your life.

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One thought on “Big Boobs Suck

  1. “NB” like nota bene from Mr. Lambert’s french class! (spelled phonetically because I could barely remember French back then much less 20 years later with a bad case of “mommy brain”)! Made me smile on a Monday morning (good work!).

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