This pregnancy has not been an easy one. Besides the 17 weeks of nausea, dry-heaving, and exhaustion, I have had intermittent bleeding. I have been poked, prodded, examined and ultra-sounded. I have been in emergency, had many trips to my doctor and seen a specialist. Not one instance has turned up any real answers. Looking for an explanation, a simple answer to my simple question, “Why?”, I turn to somewhere I know I should not. I know it is wrong. But temptation wins. I turn to Dr. Web. Otherwise known as, Dr. Google-Blood-&-See-How-Many-Ways-You-Are-Going-To-DIE.
As it turns out, there are many ways. At least many ways for my baby to die. I know I should turn away now. But I can not. I can not break away from the ugliness.
My real live doctor tells me my cervix is sensitive. That it is ‘fragile’. Online, this becomes an ‘irritable cervix’. An ‘Incompetent’ one. ‘Fryable’ even. Which makes me laugh thinking some poor girl misheard her doctor. ‘Fryable Cervix’- open wide and crack an egg! But she has it right. Just not ‘fryable’. It is ‘Friable’. Same, same but different. Same, same but friable. Friable due to HPV, STD’s or cervical cancer. Not so funny anymore.
Now certain of my Friable Cervix and probably Placenta Pravae, I book yet another appointment with my doctor. Immediately I confess my affair. This transgression with the transient whore of the physician world. Dr. Internet.
My doc refrains from an exasperating sigh and roll of the eyes. But just barely. “What did you read?” he asks. I list off every probable, okay- possible, ailment that me and my baby may have. One by one he gives me some very scientific yet simple explanations as to how we can not.
But still no exclamation as to why. Why bleeding this pregnancy but not with my last? Why has my cervix become packed, red-taped and labeled “FRAGILE”? Why me? Why baby?
The crazy, guilt-ridden, worrier mommy-brain, much like Dr. Web, seems to only want to go to the dark places. To the worst case scenarios. Perhaps it is time for nurturing, patient, calm mommy-brain to come forth. It will not analyze the ‘whys’. She will just be grateful for what is.