Words Gone Wrong

It was something no person had ever said to me before. I had given up hope years ago that it would, in fact, ever be uttered to me. So it is a glorious day when my 25 month old daughter looks up at my naked body and exclaims “Oooohhhh, Big Boobies Mommy!”

And now more for my own record keeping then your reading pleasure, I include some other notable English language mistakes of a 2 year old:

Kaya created this reindeer in daycare. A friend entitled it “Reindeer Roadkill on a Hanger.” I entitled it ‘Gooby’ the Red-Nosed (due to inebriation) Smoosh-Faced (due to crash into Rudolph’s bum) Reindeer. Name ‘Gooby’ created by Kaya (cuz that’s how she pronounces Googly eyes). Drunken, arsehole-collision-coursen’ story created by mommy. Yes, thank you, we know we make an incredible team!

She sings over and over “BABY LA BOOGA, OH BABY LA BOOGA…” I hate boogers but I find a toddler song about them rather cute.

She is fascinated by all things ‘baby’. Everything she sees she puts baby in front of. Baby fire. Baby pink. Baby Dora. Baby nose. I am just thankful she didn’t say “Baby Boobies” (because that may have traumatized me for life) and am hopeful that baby on the way will be as welcomed as the word.

For about a week in late November she kept saying ‘Chemistry’. I was like, damn, what are they teaching her in daycare and can I go learn too?! As December approached and so too did my acceptance of the holiday season, we realized she had been saying all along, ‘Christmas Tree’.

“Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck You.” Oh crap, who can I blame for her parroting this phrase? Then, “No want Fuck You.” Sweet relief at that but still looking for scapegoat. “No like Fuck You.” Yes, good, perfect. Let’s talk again when you’re, oh, say, 25? Hmmmm… yes, I will tell daycare ladies Daddy was bad. I’ll tell Daddy she must have got it from some rotten kid at daycare. That should work. With a plan in place, awareness of my surroundings expands. Kaya is dodging a large appliance that is scaring her at the top of the stairs. The vacuum. She is not cursing like a trucker (or a momma) at all. She is saying ‘Vacuum’. Relief again but then, “Oh no little missy, you will like this vacuum!” We’ll talk again when you’re, oh, say, 4?!

Kaya learned who Santa Clause was this year. Too bad she mistook Jesus, some judge on tv, a homeless guy, and a disheveled gentleman at the airport with gray joggers, wild hair and a whole lot of chub for Santa Clause. The latter did not even crack a smile at her wide eyes and excited voice as she cried “Look Mommy! Santa Clause!” It was Christmas Eve but perhaps even Santa Clause had had enough of Air Canada’s bullshit.


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