Wanting Not to Want

I want to scream at her. Slam her coffee cup on the tile floor and tell her to get a life. I want to throw her out. Not because she’s done anything horrible but because it is my cafe and I can. I question, in my head, her character, her life, her worthiness. I want to tell her to get a job, be productive, just do something.

But what I really want, is to be her.

I want to be this girl with the funky hat and killer smile. I want to order a mocha, take off my shoes and curl up on this cafe chair. I want to write in my recycled paper journal then read some literature. I want to stay for 3.5 hours without, seemingly, a care in the world.

Jealousy is ugly. Wanting is ugly.

Of course, I have been this girl. I have whiled many a day away in a foreign country’s tea house, cafe or market square. I have dozens of journals and read everything from classics to smut to world politics to popular fiction to spirituality. I hung out for hours on end and had many, many a care in the world.

Probably this girl too, has many a care in the world. She is probably asking herself much the same questions I used to. Who am I? What is my purpose? What do I want to be/do/accomplish in my life? Probably this girl is wanting too. Wanting a career, a love, a home.

Wanting.

In the moment I wanted to be that girl, what I really wanted was time, freedom, space.
In this moment right now, I want for nothing.

I am learning.

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