Bad Student

My life is chaotic right now. So the last thing I want to be doing is a Foodsafe course. But it is required to do everything else I need to do. So it is that I have suddenly found myself a student once again.

The last time I was a student, we still wrote notes in books. We did not google anything. We had actual teachers and sat in wooden chairs in a classroom. This course is online. I read the course material off my monitor and watch an actor on video segments. I clutch my coffee cup, lean back in my computer chair and resist the urge to open Itunes.

But some things never change. There is a lot of skimming. A lot of not caring. A lot of winging the quizzes in hopes the marks prove I know the stuff anyways. If not, it means I will have to go back, reread, study even in order to pass the ‘real’ exam.

Mostly though, while embarking on my first online course, I mostly just feel bored. Really, really bored.

Bored as in sitting on an airplane for 10 straight hours bored. Bored as in my highschool graduation speeches droning on forever while I suffered from a hangover and slight concussion bored. Bored as in Britney Spears is sober at home with her kids wearing underwear bored.


If you have ever completed this Foodsafe course, you already know this. You may remember wiping the drool off your doodles while waking from an unplanned nap at your computer desk.

You also know that Foodsafe has managed to do what maybe nobody else in the history of the world has done. They have somehow, in some way, successfully even, combined boring with disturbing. Laughably so.

I mean when else is disturbing boring? Disturbing is disturbing. It causes a reaction. There is emotion. Disturbing is decapitations, genocides, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. But you can not call these things boring (granted, there is a case to be made with TomKat…)

At any rate, Foodsafe succeeds without question. Amongst talk of pathogens, Staphylococcus, and microbes (all of which are immensely disturbing), I fight to stay awake. Which is perhaps why they added in the DANGER ZONE as required reading. I do not type DANGER ZONE in bold for effect here. This is how it lays throughout Unit 2: Foodservice Illness and Injury.

‘Blahblahblah blah bla blahblahblah. Blah blah bl ahah blahblahbla. Blah blah bl ahah blahblahbla. DANGER ZONE. Blah blah bl ahah blahblahbla. Blah blah bl ahah blahblahbla.’

Granted, I do blink. For one split second I anticipate something cool happening. Until refrigeration and 4 degrees Celsius and vacuum packaging follow. That is DANGER ZONE? Not finger amputations or chemical warfare or being quarantined alone in a private room with a hot doctor who can not leave and who must ‘rescue’ me but don’t worry your husband will never find out and beside it’s all in the name of science… ehem. Sorry. Drifted there a moment. Daydreaming is an art form when you’re a student isn’t it?

Oh damn, time to cut this short. My video with actor-chef dude holding raw chicken with an open sore on his finger while sneezing just finished. Time to go take the quiz! Oh, did I not mention this is me studying at this very moment? Yah, last time I was a student, there were no blogs either. Thankfully, blogging has perfected my art of bullshit and I should have no problems getting through the exam.


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