Take 2

There are times in our lives when we just have to shake our heads and wish we could start over. Or we wish we could knock some sense into someone else and have them start over. Here is my ode to trying again:

1. When I was a travel agent I had a well-to-do client named Alexandria. She had wild, unkept black hair, wore several shades of purple at all times and talked as if she had been everywhere and seen everything. She loved to think herself savvy in the ways of the world and travel. Smiling and nodding while booking her flight, I ask “Do you have any meal requests?”

“Yes, Mediterranean please!”

Not vegetarian or dairy free or allergy warnings. Mediterranean. She is going to Scotland.

2. Another absurd conversation happened on Bal’s last birthday while he is talking to his Mom.

“Did you order chow mein for dinner?” asks his mom.

“No, we decided to go out for breakfast and make dinner at home today.”

“Well, did you get chow mein?”

“No, we went our for breakfast.”

“Did you have chow mein for dinner?”

“NO! What’s with the chow mein?”

“The Chinese say it’s good for you on your birthday.”

“It’s a good thing we’re not Chinese then!!” Bal finally ends it.

3. Standing in line for 15 minutes at the Tim Horton’s at the airport, all I can think of is having that first sip of coffee after an all too early morning wake up call. Finally I manage to pay and get my coffee. Then I realize holding an extra large coffee with no cup holder, a stroller, a bag and a baby that I have to feed and change then pee myself all within 30 minutes before boarding the plane is not exactly conducive to drinking my coffee in peace. Instead, I guzzle it like I once downed a Dr Pepper (amaretto shot dropped in a glass of beer and coke) in seconds at a seedy bar in college. I taste nothing but at least I can rest assured there is caffeine in my veins. Still, next time I will give myself an extra 30 minutes. Or I will bring along a travel partner. Or I will just stay home for the next 5 years.

4. Shut-up Amber! Shut-up, Shut-up, Shut-up!! Fine, it is fabulous that you believe in God. Having Faith is fantastic. But take some bloody responsibility will you. God has better things to do than pre-ordain that you are going to win half a million dollars on a mental reality tv show! Your actions have consequences. Good or bad. If something does not go your way, acknowledge your mistake, learn from it and move on to better things the next time. Shrugging your shoulders and exclaiming that it is all in God’s plan which is already chosen is not going to help you or your child learn and grow. You have free will. So shut-up, shut-up, shut-up already. Oh, and quit your bloody crying all the time! Take 2…

5. A woman fell 15 metres off a Zipline that I had just been on a few weeks ago. The guide, apparently, screwed up. I bet it was the same dude who roared past our group on an ATV waving like a maniac and then running directly into a tree. The guide was fine (although embarrassed). The tree was not. Nor was the ATV. Nor is this woman who probably broke both ankles. Perhaps next time they won’t hire the first bloke who strolls up looking for an adventurous summer job. Oh, and make sure he’s sober too will ya…

6. I spent $20 on a toy Kaya has barely looked at. She has however, played non stop with the box it came in. Next time I will head to the liquor store to get a free cardboard box for her and $20 worth of delicious booze for me. Lesson learned.

7. I so wish I could have a do over here. Kaya was constipated and so I was ultra aware of any pooing action. She is sitting on Bal’s legs and I exclaim “Oh, I think there’s a poopy!!” whereby I lean down to her on Bal to smell. Before I can take it back, before I can stop that large intake of air, I realize my mistake. It is not a baby poopy at all. It is instead, a big boys stinky fart.


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