Birthday Suit

I hate to be naked. There are those who love the freedom of baring their buns (not to mention their sausages, melons and cottage cheese)to the world around them. I suppose they feel free. Unconstrained. Natural. I just feel yucky.

It’s not as if I’m ashamed of my body. Mostly I just find it downright uncomfortable. Things wiggle. Things shake. Parts rub together. And that’s just my love-handles.

I mention this today as only an hour ago my shower was rudely interrupted by a soother-seeking infant. The monitor is playing when I start to hear the grunts and wiggles of a baby waking up from a far too short nap. She lost her soother and I either let her just wake up while finishing my shower faster than a Daytona driver at the finish line or I mad dash it out of the shower, down the hall, into the baby’s room, find the soother, plug her in, and high tail it back into the still running shower. I choose option two.

I don’t even grab a towel. I just react. The spongy water trail on the carpet is testament to that. Thankfully, Kaya’s room is blanketed in darkness and her blinds are securely down. But now I can not find her soother. She is waking. Eyes are flickering. Grunts are gruntier. Must find the soother NOW! I feel along the perimeters of the crib. Water drips… no pours off of me. A little damp nap never hurt anyone. Right?

Still no soother. She must have launched it somewhere. I bend down. Naked. Under her crib. Yup, there it is. In the very back nestled between the crib and the wall. I shimmy underneath. Naked. Parts get rug burn. I wonder if there will even be any hot water left. Must hurry.

Lunging for the soother, I grasp on, pull it out, commando (heehee- fitting for both uses!) crawl backwards, stand up and plop in the soother. I stand there. Naked. Looking down at Kaya’s face relaxing, I am ecstatic to see she will continue to nap. I pause to reflect on how serene she looks in that moment. Until I realize I am sopping wet. And naked. Creating a pool below her bed.

So I run back. Arms and legs and other parts flailing, Phoebe style, into the shower. The room is steamy. Water is still hot. Parts only slightly stinging on newly imprinted rug burns.

Finishing my shower, I promptly get dressed. Parts are in place. Nothing wiggles uncontrollably. And that, for me, is Au Natural.

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