My previous post talks about my dog and my baby’s fears, but not of my own. Oh sure, there is a casual reference to my fear of birds but let’s not go there. They freak me the hell out! End of story.
Lately I have been more preoccupied with some other fears that have been surfacing. Fears that have arisen since becoming a mother. Fears that have me worry. Worry like my *gulp* Gramma used to worry. I worry about Bal going away, on a plane, certain that it’s going down. I worry about driving, certain an accident is unavoidable. I worry about going for walks and running into bears or coyotes or cougars.
‘Get a hold of yourself girl!’ I tell myself. ‘You have backpacked on your own around the world. You’ve biked the world’s most dangerous road. You’ve spelunked and gone to prison (not what you think for those who don’t know the story). You have faced bears, moose, several coyotes, Inca the Evil horse and cantankerous llamas. What do you have to be afraid of?’
But I guess the thing is, I am not only responsible for my own life anymore. I am responsible for this other little itty bitty baby’s life too. Talk about freakin me the hell out!
The worry began before she was even born. I worried about what I ate, or didn’t eat. I worried about being too active or not active enough. I worried about worrying.
Then she arrived.
Now, it is fair to say, I worry about everything! Don’t get me wrong. I am not obsessive about it. I don’t get myself all worked up. But the thoughts are always, persistently, present. A quick flash of what if that cough turns into a choke? What if we come upon a bear in the trails? What if that car hits black ice and crashes right into us? Coyote stalkings, kidnappings, scarring her for life with one bad parenting move (nasal aspirator phobias- just one example!), being left a single parent…
God forbid, *spit-spit*, knock on wood, quit tempting fate you idiot!!!
So there it is. I worry. But the awful reality is, this is normal. This is what mom’s do. This is what I will do.
For the rest of my life.
So what can I do but just suck it up and go out and live my life as I did before. Only with a daughter in tow. Somehow I think she’s going to enjoy hiking and camping and travelling with her mom and dad.
And watch out girl, momma is gonna beat your lil booty to the top of the Chief when we learn to rock climb together!