Dr Sears and Britney Spears

I just about got into a brawl in the bookstore today.

I’m pretty sure I could have belly-butted my opponent clear across the street. Or knocked her unconscious with the Dr Sears Baby book I was holding. But having just flipped through said book, I remember seeing in bold:

SIGNS YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP ABOUT DISCIPLINE

I decide instead to simply laugh at the obnoxious loud talker. Look at me the role model.

Obnoxious Loud Talker (OLT): “OH PLEASE, PREGNANT WOMAN ARE DEFINITELY NOT SEXY. IT’S LIKE THE NEW BIG THING TO BE PREGNANT. LIKE IT’S SOME HONOURARY STATUS SYMBOL. PEOPLE ARE GETTING PREGNANT JUST BECAUSE IT’S COOL. I’M SICK OF ALL THESE PREGNANT PEOPLE FLAUNTING IT AROUND. IT MAKES ME SICK.”

OLT rounds corner with embarrassed Bookstore Employee(EBE) who I happened to have chatted with earlier. EBE, upon seeing me, smiles and says to OLT “You better be careful…” and she puts her hand on my shoulder. I laugh (remember, no throwing Dr Sears 847 page book directly at OLT’s rather large forehead, thereby knocking her unconscious and thus, blissfully quiet. No, none of that.) and turn around, shamelessly flaunting my belly in OLT’s face. I try to remember what Dr Sears says about Moral Behaviour and Leading by Example.

But I can’t remember.

So I blurt “What? Are you saying I’m not sexy?” And I bow.

OLT looks mortified.

I can only think how happy I am that for the first time in my life I have cleavage. And that today I wore a top that shows it off. I feel sexy.

OLT is surprisingly silent. So I continue.

“I don’t know about anyone else, but I definitely did it just to be like Britney.”

Then I drop Dr Sears, pick up Walter the Farting Dog, and make my way to the checkout.

That, as a wise woman once sang, is my Prerogative…

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